I suck

I’m currently in the two-hour wait between performances with a little ad-hoc jazz combo I’m playing with today, and I’m hoping there’s a hole somewhere around for me to crawl into.

I haven’t played my horn at all for about three months, and golly gosh, it sure sounds like it. It doesn’t help that I can’t really hear steady time coming from the drummer or bassist, but the main problem is that I suck. At least today.

And while I was standing up there sucking, especially on the last song, it occured to me: I’m really trying to do a lot of things with a lot of people instead of focusing on a few things and doing them really well.

For a long time (pretty much since I left high school), I’ve relied on my innate talent and the little fish, tiny pond phenomenon to carry me through with my music. I’ve never really practiced, and I think it’s starting to show. As I try to expand my computer skills and really crack the books at work, I find that I’m dropping other stuff by the wayside, and music is one of them, and that makes me unhappy and nervous.

What else have I dropped, and why haven’t I noticed before now? And holy hell, I don’t want to give up my recreational jazz. I love the music, and I love playing for people. If I’m going to keep going, though, I’m going to have to practice for real, because otherwise I’m going to keep embarrassing myself when I perform, and it’s a small community up here.

Thinking about practicisng regularly, though, has me concerned too. I mean, I’m trying to get into better shape, and working out takes time. I’d really like to improve my computer skills, but that takes time. I will be a good father and husband, and there’s time there, too. I’d like to write, work on the house, go hiking/camping/paddling, train the dogs, pimp my ride, play with my ham radio, blah, blah, blah.

So I’ve definitely got my list of things I want to do. Now I have to make some decisions.

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